


In the Middle

by fanfic_for_malec



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angry friends, Complicated Relationships, First Meet, Friendship, Friendship/Love, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-07 14:56:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18236447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanfic_for_malec/pseuds/fanfic_for_malec
Summary: Alec and Magnus are friends in college. Magnus doesn't want to talk to Alec about his feelings but he can't help but be worried for Alec either. One morning when Magnus views the video of Alec being reckless, he can't help himself and texts Alec. While waiting for the reply, he remembers how it started. But Alec shocks Magnus again. One thing leads to other and they find themselves in a situation.





	In the Middle

Last night Magnus had to work, finish documentation of a project. He fell asleep at around 2 in the morning. But while working he was checking his Instagram too. He’s been addicted to that for past a few months, suddenly finding that thing better than Facebook, Snapchat, WhatsApp and all.

So the first thing he did after waking up at 6 in the morning is what he always does - turn on his Wi-Fi and check Instagram.

Last night before he went to sleep, he saw Alec doing an Instagram Live. But later he didn’t find it see properly. So he thought maybe Alec deleted it. He had missed the Live. But when he saw that in the morning, he tapped on it.

The screen opened to show the video and Magnus felt his mood shifting from good to bad. He was shifting from his ever goody and happy Green zone to depressing and annoyed dark Blue zone.

Magnus bit his teeth and seethed into a wave of unexplainable anger. He recognized the boy making the video very well. The blond was none other than Jace Wayland, one of his senior and his best friend Clary’s boyfriend. For Clary, he became friends with that annoying stupid idiot. Heaven knows what Clary saw into him.

The video didn’t have any sound except for the roar of the bike he was riding and the wind. Magnus squinted to see what Jace was doing in that video as the background was dark. He could see the occasional street lights here and there.

Magnus realized that it was Jace who made the video while he was riding on the back of a motorbike. Then suddenly the angle of the camera change and into the frame peek a raven-haired boy Magnus knew so well. His heart made a jump and twist into his chest uncomfortably as he saw Jace and Alec laughing, hooting and giggling as Alec drove the bike. They were cheering about something. At one point Alec left the handle and showed a V sign with his left-hand fingers and laughed to the camera. Jace tapped on Alec’s shoulder and pointed him to watch the road. Even though it was middle of the night and the road was empty, it scared Magnus out of his mind. None of the boys were wearing a helmet or any protective gear.

By the look on Jace, Magnus was sure they were tipsy, if not drunk. So he assumed they must be on their way home from some stupid party in some stupid bar. Magnus didn’t have any issues with them having fun or partying till 2 in the morning or enjoying themselves. But he was mad that both of them didn’t care about safety and being as reckless as they could be.

Magnus’s heart almost leaped out of his chest when Alec maneuvered the bike in a zigzag pattern and Jace whooped and then hooted loudly. In the frame, Magnus could see the grin on Alec’s face. Then he finally noticed the background. The road they were driving seemed really familiar until Magnus’s eyes caught the street sign and something burst inside him. Alec and Jace were on the opposite way to their home and actually near Magnus’s place.

Magnus almost threw the phone away and shot up from his bed right before he heard the final words of Jace, “James’s gonna be so happy to see us.”

Magnus blinked at the screen as Jace winked in the video, poked his tongue out playfully and fumbled to end the video. Magnus gawked as the screen went blank and then moved onto display the next story on the list.

This time Magnus did throw his phone away somewhere on the bed and fumbled out of his duvet, muttering 100 different praises of anger at Alec.

 

Magnus went to the bathroom attached to his room and shut the door behind him loudly. He vigorously brushed his teeth and had a cold shower still muttering obscenities to Alec though he didn’t understand his irrational anger. He repeatedly told himself that he has no rights to feel so much anger at Alec’s sense of safety and recklessness. But he couldn’t just stop his heart to beat frantically or his brain to not rewinding the scene of the zigzag swerve that Alec did with the bike. Internally he kept shuddering badly.

Magnus wrapped a towel around his waist and came out of the bathroom to find his dad calling from downstairs. He opened the door of his room and went near the stairs so he could look down and see his father leaving early for his office.

 

“I’ve left your breakfast in the oven. Please eat before you leave for school.” Asmodeus craned his neck up to look at his son and he adjusted his tie.

“Okay, Dad,” Magnus muttered as he sat on a step of the stairs, rubbed his wet hair with a small towel by one hand and fiddled his phone in the other.

“What happened?” Asmodeus frowned seeing the blank look on his son.

“Nothing…” Magnus muttered gazing at his phone.

“Alec?” Asmodeus asked, “He did something again, didn’t he?”

Magnus’s eyes shot at his father, glaring slightly. Asmodeus only just shrugged and went on to grab his bag, jacket and the car keys.

“Of course he did. Otherwise, why would you be cranky first thing in the morning?” Asmodeus grumbled.

“Dad…” Magnus rolled his eyes.

“Don’t Dad me, Mags.” Asmodeus turned to look at his son who chose to trudge down a few steps and stood at the halfway down the stairs. “I just don’t understand why you haven’t told him yet. What are you waiting for?”

“You know why I can’t tell him anything.” Magnus snapped. First Alec and his stupidity and then his dad, was just being the dad. He momentarily wondered why he told his dad the truth. “You know he has a boyfriend.”

“And last you updated me; he broke up with that boyfriend 6 months ago?” Asmodeus artfully arched his eyebrow. Magnus rolled his eyes again.

“Yeah, his boyfriend broke up with him… the very same boyfriend with whom he was absolutely happy with. The break up was hard on him Dad. He is still in pain. And I’m not a complete desperate ass that I’d jump on the first chance now that his boyfriend has broken up with him for no reason and he’s single. Alec doesn’t want anything to do with relationships anymore Dad. And I don’t know if I can do this with him.”

Asmodeus sobered at his son’s outburst and confession. He could see his little boy was hurting too. “So you wanna pretend you’re happy with this friendship? And for how long do you plan to do that? Alec is a wonderful young boy. Sooner or later somebody will cross his path. He’d get over this little breakup and move on. Are you sure you wanna wait till then like this?”

“Dad… Please… Don’t…” Magnus’s eyes tingled.

“If you don’t wanna consider your feelings then who am I to push you? But just remember that you’re deceiving yourself. And I didn’t teach you that.”

“I’ll be fine, Dad.”

“I hope you will. I don’t like seeing you like this.” Asmodeus gazed at his son who was looking down at the floor. “Now go and put on some clothes, will ya? I don’t want you to catch a cold. And message me after you reach school please?”

“Sure, Dad. Bye… I’ll see you in the evening.” Magnus muttered slightly peeking at his father.

“Bye… See you in the evening.” Asmodeus opened the front door and was out of the house. The sudden silence of the house hit Magnus like strong gusting wind blow. He slowly made his way back to his room. It was 7 in the morning and he already managed to have a very bad morning. He did not like fighting with his dad. His dad is the only family he has left since his mother died when he was 4. Asmodeus single-handedly brought him up, made a home for them and become his best friend at the same time. Magnus loves his dad more than anything in the world.

 

Magnus lay on his bed on his back still fiddling with his phone. To calm himself he pushed the play button on his wireless speaker on his bedside table. The moment the song started to play, he groaned. No, he didn’t need to listen to a song that speaks about someone finding her relationship in a mess and asks the other person to meet her in the middle. The song is meaningful, very much actually but right now the song only depressed Magnus more. It reminded him of Alec.

Magnus still had time for college. Yes, he’s a second-year college student but his dad never grew up from school. So he still refers to college as school and after a couple of months in his first year, Magnus was tired of correcting his dad so he just stopped altogether. He knew he’d never grow up from a school student to college in his dad’s eyes. As much as it was adorable to think, it annoyed Magnus sometimes when Asmodeus called him and his friends, school students in front of others. But his friends also got habituated eventually. They knew there’s no hope for Mr. Bane to change.

Magnus picked up his phone again and opened Instagram. He didn’t see any more updates from Alec or Jace. So he opened Alec’s DM. Rapidly he sent 3 messages.

_**[Where’s the helmet?]** _

_**[How could you be irresponsible casual like that?]** _

_**[And what were you doing near my block in the middle of the night?]** _

He put his phone away and stared at the ceiling. His mind drifted off to Alec and their first meet. Also the day, Magnus knew he was doomed for sure, throughout his college life.

 

_< <Flashback – Beginning>>_

_It was the orientation day at NYU and Magnus’s first day at college._

_Asmodeus dropped him off at the gate of the campus and promised to pick up at the end of the day. The new students of the Art and designing faculty were waiting in their designated classroom. Magnus looked around to see the room almost full of people. After the speech of the Dean and other professors, the students were allowed to mingle among themselves and also told that a few senior important students would come later to visit them. It was to be a small meet and greet and getting to know their department through the views of their seniors. In the meantime, Magnus mingled with his fellow classmates._

_One of them was Clary. The redhead little girl came to him and introduced herself. And a couple of minutes later they both found out that their fathers work in the same company. They hit it off instantly. They watched the others together until they noticed a girl sitting alone in the back. Clary decided to take a chance and Magnus followed suit._

_“Hi…” Clary smiled brightly at the girl who was typing furiously on her phone. The moment the girl heard Clary, her head shot up at them. Magnus almost stumbled back at the beauty behind the curly long thick veil of raven black hair. The girl was just beautiful with big brown perfectly drawn eyes, rosy cheeks, defined cheekbones and jaws and all._

_Magnus watched as her long fingers adorned with a couple of silver rings pushed a stray strand of hair behind an ear. He gulped; it’s been a while since he felt that sort of attraction to a girl since his high school girlfriend Camille. She and Magnus broke up after she decided to study abroad. They weren’t keen on a long-distance relationship. So it was a mutual decision. But Magnus didn’t have any partner since her._

_“Umm…” the girl looked back and forth between Magnus and Clary._

_“Sorry to disturb you but we saw you sitting alone so we came to introduce ourselves to you,” Clary smiled sweetly at her, “only if you don’t mind…” she added right after._

_“No…” she girl seemed disoriented but recovered quickly, “No… it is okay… Please, sit.” She gestured at the chairs beside her. Clary and Magnus gingerly took seats._

_Clary stretched her hand out to the girl to shake, “I’m Clary Fray. And this is Magnus.” She pointed to him._

_“Magnus Bane. Hi.” Magnus gave her his hand after she was done with Clary._

_“Isabelle Lightwood. But please call me Izzy.” She smiled and they fell into awkward silence. Izzy got busy in her phone and Magnus and Clary shared a look._

_“Umm… if you’re busy we can talk later. And anyway we have to spend the next 4 years together.” Clary joked standing up. Magnus followed again_

_“I’m sorry.” She fumbled but stowed her phone away, “Actually I’m waiting for someone. They said they’d meet me before the orientation but the professors didn’t allow. And now I don’t know where and how to find them.”_

_“Your friends… you already got friends here?” Clary asked._

_“Umm… yeah…” she seemed hesitating._

_“Uh well, the Dean said that the seniors will come by soon, to meet us. Maybe you can ask them where you can find your friends.” Magnus suggested casually but Izzy’s eyed widened. It seemed like new news to her._

_“The seniors are coming here?” She actually sounded happy with the news. Magnus nodded only. “That’s great.” She smiled and started to say something but stopped suddenly. Magnus and Clary followed her eyes and saw a few students coming in._

_The boy who led the group of seniors ushered them all to sit closely. The seniors stood in the middle as the juniors pulled the tables around in a semicircle. That boy started talking, “So I’m James and I’m a member of the student council. I’m a third-year student of the Arts department and we’re here to get the initial introductions done. Of course, not every faculty does this the same way. We thankfully got the permission to do this as we thought this may be helpful. Now the point of this session is that you, the newcomers get to know us, the seniors. The 9 of us here are some of the students you’ll be coming across often in your 4 years of college life.”_

_James kept talking but Clary whispered to Izzy, “He seems handsome huh?”_

_“Who… James?” Izzy cocked an eyebrow. Magnus listened in. Izzy scoffed when Clary nodded enthusiastically, “He’s a jerk.”_

_“What? Why do say that?” Clary gasped._

_“You know James?” Magnus enquired._

_“Yes, I do actually. And when I say he’s a jerk, believe me, he is.” Izzy sounded confident. Clary and Magnus exchanged a glance. They didn’t understand Izzy._

_“How many friends you have here?” Magnus asked again._

_“A few actually…” Izzy replied and they all looked up as a girl started talking and James stood aside. “That girl…” Izzy pointed toward the middle at the girl speaking, “She’s Lydia. Cheerleading captain… Drama queen… The usual damsel in distress type upon seeing a pretty boy… She was after James for the first couple of months but moved on since he turned out to be gay.”_

_“He’s gay?” Clary looked between Izzy and James, “How do you know that?”_

_“I know his boyfriend.”_

_“Your friend?”_

_Izzy was again about to say something but looked at the boy wearing spec who started talking after Lydia. “That’s Simon…” she smiled softly at the boy. Magnus and Clary noticed her softened gaze._

_“Your friend?”_

_“My boyfriend.” She said shyly. Magnus looked between the boy, Simon_ , and _Izzy. They seemed different like poles apart. Izzy looked like someone with inborn fashion talent. She’s beautiful, really. Simon_ , on the other hand, _seemed dorky, if not geek, the general mess of a typical Artist, confused and shy._

_“Your boyfriend?” Magnus asked to confirm. Izzy nodded. “He is a senior.”_

_“And the secretary of the music club. He’s a singer and a songwriter.” Izzy stated like a true proud girlfriend._

_“Okay…” Magnus was distracted. Simon didn’t seem to say much and moved onto the next guy, “You know him too?” he pointed at the blond hunk boy who was talking at the moment. He could see a few girls in the front row were already drooling over the boy._

_“Please tell me he’s single.” Clary suddenly said as she gawked at the boy with moony eyes. Magnus rolled his eyes wondering why girls dig blonds so much._

_“He is actually. Straight and single. Football team captain. And sort of my brother.” Izzy smiled._

_“He’s your brother?” Clary and Magnus spat at the same time._

_“What are the chances?!” Clary moaned._

_“His name is Jace. My actual brother, he and I grew up together. Our houses are right next to each other. He’s like a brother to me. His best friend is my brother though.” Izzy gave a slight nod toward Jace when he caught her eyes._

_Magnus looked ahead. He didn’t have any interest in sports or any group activities. But he was advised to pursue at least 2 groups for extra credit. So he thought he’d join the book club and the student magazine/newspaper committee. He hadn’t decided yet. After Jace, there was a girl who was from the Theatre club. He listened to her in case if he wanted to join them. After 2 more girls, came the boy who was hiding behind James the whole time. Magnus could only see the hair behind._

_Magnus gaped at the boy who stood comfortably with his arms in front of his body and explained and talked with his hands. He had a beautiful smile on his face and blushed when a girl from the front row tried to flirt. His deep clear hazel eyes seem to shine brightly in the white lights of the room. He was exceptionally tall and sober in plain jeans and a polo shirt. His black hair was messed but overall, the boy was really, really handsome. And Magnus couldn’t move his eyes away from him. He gradually realized that he wasn’t breathing and clenching his hand and probably having his very first college crush on a senior student._

_“Hi, I’m Alec Lightwood. I’m the creative head of the student newspaper and the magazine.”_

_It was the last thing Magnus heard before he promptly stopped listening, started drooling and made a mental note to join the student Magazine committee._

_< <Flashback – Ending>>_

 

Magnus was suddenly brought out of his trip down the memory lane by the pinging sound of his phone that alerted him the incoming notification alert on Instagram. He shuffled to find the phone and quickly unlocked it to open Instagram and saw Alec’s reply.

_**[Oops, sorry]** _

Magnus scowled at his phone. He waited for some other message to come but nothing came. 10 minutes later, Alec only replied with two words. He fumed again. It took him a couple of minutes to reconsider his words and clear his head to be sure about what he wanted to reply. With Alec, Magnus always had to tiptoe around and be absolutely positive of his every action. He couldn’t afford Alec to find out or come off rude.

_**[Sorry is not enough]** _

_**[You should at least take care of yourself]** _

_**[And be safe]** _

Annoyed, worried and hurt, Magnus stowed his phone away again. He still had a long time to get ready for college. He went back on his flashback again.

 

_< <Flashback – Beginning>>_

_After the orientation, Izzy dragged Clary and Magnus out with her. Simon messaged her that he’d wait with the others out in the corridor. So she should meet them there. The Dean told them that they were allowed to leave after the lunch break. So Clary and Magnus just went on with her. Clary most definitely wanted to meet Jace and Magnus’s ultimate motive was if he could meet Alec for once._

_“Hey, sweetheart,” Simon hugged Izzy the moment they met. They looked like a cute couple, happily in love. Jace eyed Clary for sure. Magnus stood uncomfortably until he heard James behind him. He turned to see and he was sure he would’ve fallen if Jace hadn’t supported him from behind. Magnus was really shocked to see James’s arm holding Alec’s waist._

_During the meet and greet, Alec wasn’t wearing the spec but that time he was wearing a slim black rimmed spec that somehow accentuated his facial features better. Magnus was surprised when he realized, Alec was James’s boyfriend. His brain slowly put two and two together and he finally realized Alec was actually Izzy’s brother; the resemblance between them was uncanny._

_“Hello, big brother,” Izzy stepped out of Simon’s embrace and into Alec’s. James stood back._

_“Hello, Izzy. How was the orientation?”_

_“It was good.”_

_“Are they your friends?” Alec looked at Magnus and Clary._

_“Yes, come. I’ll introduce you…” she tugged on Alec’s wrist and James was right behind his boyfriend._

_“That’s Clary and Magnus,” Izzy did it quickly, “And this is Jace and Simon. I told you about both before. But this…” she tugged Alec closer, “is my big brother, Alec. And Alec, they are in my faculty. I just met them today.”_

_“Hello…” Alec shook hands with Clary and Magnus in quick succession. Then Jace cut in and his hand lingered on Clary. They were already smiling at each other shyly. Magnus was about to roll his eyes at them when he saw Alec doing the same and James was definitely staking his claim on Alec._

_“Okay guys, I have to go. We’ll see you later.” Alec and James left abruptly. Magnus watched then walking away smiling together and talking about something. He sighed. He finally found a man interesting and who was into men but apparently all the good boys and girls had already found their ‘someone’. With Simon and Izzy being engrossed in each other and Jace and Clary trying to start something, Magnus felt like an odd wheel. So he excused himself and went to the reception to ask how to get into the extra-curricular clubs. The receptionist told him to go to the other wing of the campus where most of the clubs have their designated studios. He could directly enroll there. So he went there and found the Editing and Publishing studio._

_Magnus didn’t expect to see Alec there. But when he walked in, Alec was the only one in there sitting on a table and doing something on his laptop. Magnus knocked to get Alec’s attention and the boy looked up above his spec. Alec smiled as soon as he recognized._

_“Magnus, please come in.” Alec waved him in and motioned him to sit beside him._

_“You remember my name.” Magnus was hesitating._

_“Yes, I do. You’re one of the first friends Izzy made in here. You must be special.”_

_“Why? I mean, why do you say that?”_

_“Izzy isn’t actually very forthcoming. She’s a reserved girl. She making a friend and be excited about them is not quite usual.”_

_“Oh…” Magnus looked down and fiddled with the strap of his bag._

_“So what brings you here, at my home?”_

_“Your home?” Magnus cocked an eyebrow but sat straight up when Alec’s face broke into a glorious smile. He saw the wrinkles at the corner of his eyes and his mouth and the permanent blush on his pale cheeks._

_“I spend most of my time here actually. Since I got the post, the work’s been critical. And I like being here. I feel at home, at ease being here. I’m sorry if I confused you. It’s kind of a joke here. Everybody knows where to find Alec Lightwood.”_

_“Oh…” Magnus didn’t know how to reply to that. Alec seemed open-minded and friendly and accepting. And he was slowly falling hard._

_“So how can I help you then? What brings you here?” Alec asked after and few moments when Magnus didn’t reply._

_“Oh right, I was hoping if I could join the club.” Magnus blurted out._

_“You wanna be a part of the Magazine committee?”_

_“If there’s a place for me then I’d like to be here.”_

_“Do you write?”_

_“Occasionally yes, I do.”_

_“Any specialization?”_

_“No.”_

_“What do you write about?”_

_“Umm… whatever’s on my mind usually… Mostly they end being short stories.”_

_“Okay… anything else? Do you have a passion for writing or any of the editorial stuff we do?”_

_“Um, to be honest, I don’t know how it works here. I like to draw, more than writing. I wanna be a fashion designer. I can write about fashion if you ask me to. But other than that I have no idea what happens here.”_

_“Okay…” Alec leaned back on his chair and stroked his left index finger on his chin, “Then why do you wanna be here? What makes you think you belong here?”_

_“If you put it that way, maybe I don’t. I was told to join two clubs for extra credits. One I’ll join would be the book club. Second I’m not sure. I wanted to be in the Photography club but they require being a bit more professional. I don’t sing, dance or have any other interest. I’m most definitely not into sports. I write occasionally. But mostly I draw…” Magnus was babbling nervously but Alec interrupted him._

_“Okay, I get it. You say you understand fashion. So if you really wanna be here and not in the Theatre club then I’d say you can help me in the creative department. I’m sure we’ll be able to find something for you to do here.” Alec smiled positively._

_“You wanna give me a chance?” Magnus tried to sound not too hopeful._

_“Yes, I think we can always use some extra help here.” Alec had a softness and warmth in his smile that Magnus had to control his heart to slow down._

_“So I can join, then?”_

_“Yes, Magnus, you can. I’ll make sure you find out the date and time for the next meeting. The venue is always the same, here.”_

_“Oh okay… then should I give you my contact number?” Magnus breathed deeply to be a bit bold._

_“If it’s not an issue…” Alec extended his phone to him. Magnus quickly put his name and number and gave it back._

_“See you around then.” Magnus smiled as he walked to the door._

_“See you around Magnus.” Alec smiled._

_< <Flashback – Ending>>_

 

That was the epic first day of college for Magnus. And the moment he met his dad at home, Asmodeus knew that something good happened and Magnus couldn’t help but tell his dad about Alec. Since then Asmodeus always knew about Alec’s boyfriend James and his son’s growing infatuation for Alec.

At first, he thought Magnus would move on. He thought it’s just a phase and Magnus would get bored by not getting any affection back from Alec. But since Alec and Magnus became friends, Asmodeus had been worried about Magnus. He watched the exact opposite happening of what he had thought. Alec was not just a great boy but he knew how to make and keep friends. Most of the time, Alec returned all the affection of Magnus, knowingly or unknowingly. Magnus was losing himself bit by bit in Alec’s goodness. Asmodeus knew his son craved that unconditional love, the romance, and the acceptance.

 

Magnus never thought Alec and he would become friends so faster and grow so closer. As time passed, Magnus kept on finding out similarities between him and Alec. And being with Alec, it got harder for Magnus to control his feelings. But he still did. He knew he couldn’t do anything. He knew Alec really loved James even though Izzy was right and James was an ass. Alec loved James. And James loved Alec too. There was no place for Magnus in Alec’s life except just a boy he met at college.

Magnus had 3 years to be with Alec before he graduates. Him being a year junior of Alec, would have to spend his final year alone and without Alec. That thought sometimes was too painful for Magnus, especially when they’d work together in the club. So he wanted to make as many memories with Alec as possible. The only advantage was Alec adored him as a friend. If he wasn’t with James, Alec would be found with Magnus.

Magnus was sure Alec also noticed their similar ideas and choices. They both were big food-enthusiasts. Alec had unhealthy obsessions about chicken, pasta, and pizza. He’d forget everything around him if he had any one of those in front of him. Only later Magnus discovered that Alec was more athletic than he initially thought.

Alec loved playing basketball with Jace. Clary and Magnus would stay back for them whenever they had practice. Alec love riding his motorbike. He liked to party. He knew how to enjoy with his friends. He’s socially active and very much fun loving guy. At some cases, Magnus was quite the opposite of him. But it still didn’t stop them being close friends.

Alec and he actually grew really closer when Magnus had once made pasta with chicken and creamy white cheese sauce and took it to college for his friends. Magnus was happy when everybody loved his cooking and Alec invited himself and the group to Magnus’s on next Friday night. Magnus was just thankful that James wouldn’t come. It would’ve been just the 6 of them, Magnus’s cooking and Asmodeus meeting all of them for the first time.

Magnus was worried but the dinner went really well. That night Asmodeus went to Magnus and told him that he approved of Alec. It should’ve made Magnus happy but he was only sad remembering that next day Alec would go back to be in James’s arms again.

 

Magnus checked his phone again when it pinged. He knew it was Alec’s reply. But this time he wasn’t as anticipated as before. He lazily unlocked the phone and opened the message.

_**[We were having helmets but at the time to shoot the video, we took them off]** _

**_[And nothing else.]_ **

Magnus closed his eyes. He was tired of feeling all these feelings for Alec. He lazily typed back a reply.

**_[Whatever…]_ **

**_[Just take care… It’s not funny, neither safe]_ **

He wanted to scream out loud. He wanted to be angry. He wanted to tell Alec. He wanted to make Alec stop giving him heart attacks like that. He wanted to hold Alec and show him that he was there for him and always will be. But he couldn’t. He dropped his phone back on the pillow and closed his eyes again. A lone tear slipped through the corner. But inside, Magnus was fighting a newly raging storm.

 

And now it’s been a year since it started. Alec was in third year and Magnus in second. Their classes had just started a few days ago. Over the last year, Magnus and Alec only grew closer to become stronger friends. Alec knew he could depend on Magnus with his eyes closed. And Magnus knew he’d do anything for Alec.

Magnus learned so much from Alec being his constant partner in the club. Alec sometimes accompanied Magnus to the book club and they’d find some books they both liked or wanted to read. All the similarities were hurting Magnus inside. He only endured it all knowing that it was all he was ever gonna have with Alec. So he was grabbing at all the opportunities he could share with Alec. He didn’t need a definition to know how he felt for Alec. He also knew Alec would never have the same feeling about him.

 

Clary and Simon could see Magnus’s feelings. Magnus wasn’t always as subtle as he thought. After some time they even talked to Magnus about it and made him confess to them that he really was in love with Alec. He didn’t know when or how exactly it happened. But he was sure about his feelings.

Clary and Simon didn’t do anything. Magnus had faith in them that they wouldn’t say anything to Alec. They all could see Alec being happy with James. And Magnus kind of blamed himself for falling for someone who already was in love with someone else and happy. Clary tried to make Alec see that maybe James wasn’t the right man for him but Simon kept quiet completely. She was angry that Magnus wouldn’t do anything.

But Magnus had no idea if Jace or Izzy had any idea about his feelings. The 5 of them practically spend every spare time together at the college and even outside some times. Magnus continuously felt like odd wheeling all the time but he never uttered a word. He knew that those friends mean more to him than his own peace of mind. To him seeing Alec happy was more important than the pain in his own chest, even if the cause of the happiness was James.

 

Magnus should’ve known that it wouldn’t stay like this forever. He knew nothing stays forever. He knew better than that. And yet he let it happen. Alec had him wrapped in his fingers. And gradually he noticed how James treated Alec. No, James wasn’t abusive. But he was ignorant. He didn’t wait for Alec when his meetings ran late as Alec did for him. He wouldn’t come and sit with Alec’s friends during lunch, never. But he’d demand Alec go and sit with his own friends. All Magnus could do was watch and repeatedly ask Alec if he was alright - if he was happy. Alec never said otherwise. He accepted James however he was.

It went on for months. Magnus practically had to sit back and watch James and Alec having the troubles. Alec was a patient man but James wasn’t. Alec didn’t like fighting but James would. Everybody could see Alec was hurting. But the boy never said a word. Magnus wanted to talk to James. But he knew he’d cross a line with that. Alec wouldn’t tolerate him trying to fix his relationship. Alec was dedicated and he continuously said he was okay and very much happy with James. If only Magnus was a bit faster to realize the problem arising between them. If only he was able to see the pain behind Alec’s smiles. Because he never did. Not until someone made him see it.

 

And then the inevitable happened, all of a sudden. And every day since then Magnus wished if he could change it, if he could do something to stop it from happening, if he could’ve helped Alec, protect Alec at all. And he asked himself if he was the reason. He had to ask himself that. Because that’s what James said.

It killed Magnus more than the friendship, to see Alec like that, drifting away from him so far, still consider James to tell the truth.

Maybe Magnus did bring it upon himself.

 

Magnus didn’t realize he had drifted off to sleep until he woke up with the soft muffled thud of the front door. He sat up hurriedly on his bed and looked around. He found himself still in the towel wrapped around his waist. He shuffled out of his bed, pulled a boxer-short out of his wardrobe and put it on the same time throwing off the towel and shuffling toward his door.

By the time he reached the floor landing, he heard some noises in the kitchen and he was pretty much sure who it was. He sighed closing his eyes, didn’t have expected that.

 

Alec looked up the moment he heard Magnus’s barefooted foot-steps and the creak of the floorboards. He cocked his head and arched his eyebrow seeing Magnus in all glory but in a boxer. He couldn’t help but bit his lip to not smile. Magnus was not a shy person. He neither had any insecurity about his sexuality nor his body. He knew how to flaunt his body, his attitude and himself and still be happy about it. Alec was unloading a brown paper bag in the slowest possible way as Magnus stood at the counter table with his arms crossed on his bare chest making his abs to look even more prominent if that was even possible.

 

It wasn’t the first time Magnus found Alec like that in his house and in his kitchen. Since Alec found out about him liking to cook, Alec always surprised him with ingredients, fresh vegetables and demand him to make something with chicken. That boy definitely was obsessed with chicken. But Alec stopped his surprise visits since James broke up with him, 6 months and 22 days ago. Magnus counted. It’s not every day that abandonment goes both ways in a friendship.

“I see you haven’t had your breakfast,” Alec said in a clear voice but didn’t look away from the brown paper bag he was going through.

“What are you doing here?” Magnus didn’t want to be cold but he was. As if his body itself slipped into the protective mode. As if his body knew it needed to protect the heart so Magnus wouldn’t do anything stupid, such as walk up to Alec, hug him tightly and tell him how much he’s missed seeing him like that in last 6 months or worse, bawl his eyes out and scream the words of his heart.

Magnus was craving for a touch. He wanted Alec to look him in the eyes when they talk. He wanted an indication to tell him that they were okay, that he was forgiven. But Alec went to the oven and turned it on heating the breakfast inside.

“Alec… what are you doing here?” Magnus said a bit harshly when Alec didn’t reply.

“Alec…” Magnus moved around the kitchen to grab Alec’s elbow and turn him, “What the hell are you doing here?” he bit each word slowly and harshly.

Magnus was already losing his patience. Alec only stared at him.

Magnus was taken aback by the intensity in those hazel eyes. He had no idea what was going on in Alec’s head and why he was there, in his house.

“You should eat. We can talk later.” Alec twisted his elbow out of Magnus’s grip and bent low to get the breakfast out. “Now eat before we’re late for college.”

Magnus just blinked at him, dumbfounded. Something changed, something happened, he was sure of it.

 

_< <Flashback – Beginning>>_

_Their final exam of the year just finished. So Izzy and Clary decided to go out partying. But Magnus wasn’t in the mood. He saw James and Alec fighting again in the morning when nobody was paying attention. Alec had the gloomy look on his face the whole day. And it dampened Magnus’s mood too. He didn’t wanna be in the same place as_ _Alec and James anymore. Rather he decided to spend time with his old friend Cat who was supposed to come back from her college that evening. The girls didn’t want to let him go but he promised them to meet soon._

_It was slowly becoming one of the revelation days for Magnus._

_Meeting Cat was fun. They met after a whole year and fell back into it from where they had left. Magnus knew Cat from school days. They were at Magnus’s house as Asmodeus was running late at work. Magnus decided to cook something so Cat helped him. They were laughing and enjoying but seldom something escaped from Cat. She saw Magnus right through and knew something was bothering him._

_“Do you wanna talk about something?” Cat asked softly._

_“No?” Magnus replied in more of a question than a statement._

_“You know you can talk to me about anything, right, Mags? What’s bothering you?”_

_Magnus pondered for a moment. Maybe Cat could actually help him to understand his dilemma._

_“I think I’m in love,” Magnus said after a few moments._

_“You think?” Cat asked after she registered the frown on Magnus. “You’re not sure?”_

_“I… I… don’t know…”_

_“Tell me… from the beginning.”_

_“Alec… he’s a year senior in my college. He was the first boy I met who caught my eyes… since Camille. You know after her, I kinda closed off myself. Had a feeling that if I try this again, I won’t be able to go through it again, the heartbreak, the feeling afterward. I wanted to avoid that. It was all good until I saw him. And he just captured me you know… there’s something special… magical… about him. The way he looks, his smile, his blush, the way he talks, to everyone… his whole face, every inch of him lights up when he smiles. He is friendly, broadminded, open… there’s never judgment in his eyes. Besides Clary and Izzy, he’s the only one who became friends with me right away. And gradually he became like my best friend. I’ve no comparison for him you know… he’s very singular, like only one in the whole world._

_The moment I saw him, I knew I was falling for him. I knew I was having a crush. I felt like how you described feeling about Ragnor. The uneven beat of my heart, the happy feeling, the desire to spend all the time with him… all of it was there. Even with Camille, I didn’t lose my mind that fast. I didn’t even know if he’d be interested in me. I didn’t even get a chance to wonder if I wanna pursue this… if I really want him like that. I thought it’d be just a crush and I’ll see, with time if it can lead somewhere. I thought I’d have time with him you know… start a friendship; slow and steady… give me a chance to see if my feelings are really real… I thought I’d be able to wait and see… and I was wrong._

_The very same day we met, was also the day I came to know he’s not only gay but also has a boyfriend. His boyfriend, James is a member of student council and Alec is the creative head of the college newspaper. They both are like made for each other. So much in love and… and… and they are so good for e_ _ach other. Alec really loves him. And he… everybody says James is a jerk… but he loves Alec too… I know… I mean who won’t love someone like Alec? He’s cool, he’s smart… he’s great.” Magnus was exasperated. He didn’t even know much he was able to explain but he gazed at Cat with hope._

_Cat pondered for some time and hummed deeply. “So just because Alec is an epitome of a great boyfriend, you think you’re in love with him?”_

_Magnus was annoyed, “He’s not the epitome of a great boyfriend. It’s not like I love him because he’s boyfriend material. He’s a great guy.”_

_“So you love him because he’s a great guy? That’s it?”_

_“What do you mean that’s it?”_

_“You said Alec is your friend. That gradually you two became great friends and he adores you right?”_

_Magnus frowned but nodded in reply._

_“Is there any chance that what you feel about him is just the attraction of friendship? Maybe a bit of affection only… you know… like you said, simple colleges crush. Or maybe you just want him because you can’t get him, you know, the thrill of chasing after something impossible.”_

_“You’re suggesting that I’m misunderstanding my own feelings about him? That my dreams to hold his hand and spend the freaking all day with him and want him to smile at me as he does at James and that I wanna make him smile, be the reason of his every happiness, all of that is just simple crush? A thrill of a wild goose chase, seriously? What am I, a fanboy now? Is that what you mean?”_

_“Yeah… like what you used to feel about Brad Pitt… or was it Leonardo?”_

_“Fuck it, Cat… he’s far better than Brad and Leonardo.”_

_“So you don’t wanna be his Angelina or Kate?”_

_“No… fuck no… I don’t wanna be Juliet to his Romeo or Stiles to his Derek or Draco to his Harry or Remus to his Sirius or Cas to his Dean or whatever. None of those love stories have a happy ending. I wanna be just Magnus, to his Alec. That’s all I want. I don’t dream of a fairy tale with him. I want something true and honest with him. I fucking want him Cat… like ‘want’ want him.”_

_“You…” finally Cat was surprised, “You dream of having sex…”_

_“No… not yet…” Magnus blushed. Damn, they had never talked about those things before. “But… I dream of kissing him… touching him, you know… haven’t gone that far… not yet.”_

_“So it’s not some simple crush or friendly attraction.”_

_Magnus sighed, “No, Cat. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I know what I want with him. I’m just…”_

_“Just what? Not sure if it’s love? Because you thought you were in love with Camille and with Alec it feels completely different?”_

_“Trust you to nail it… Bull’s eye, Cat, bull’s eye.”_

_“Mags… if you ask me, honestly, there’s no definition for love. It’s not a defined process. There’s no step by step flowchart to describe how it happens. It just happens, when it is to happen. You can’t compare Camille and Alec. They are two different people. And from what you’ve told me, Alec doesn’t seem like Camille at all. He seems different and heaven forbid me for saying this, better, for you. I can’t tell you if it’s love or not. You gotta find that for yourself. But by the look on your face, I understand if you don’t wanna pursue him for James. I understand if you don’t wanna confuse and hurt him. You’re worried that if you do something you’ll lose his friendship. And who knows better than me how much a friendship, a relationship means to you! I’d understand if you don’t wanna be vulnerable again.”_

_“So am I in love with him?”_

_“If you’re asking the question…”_

_“Cat… you know what I mean… I’m not questioning my feelings… I’m…”_

_“…Questioning the definition, I know. But I can’t help you.”_

_Magnus just turned to scowl at Cat when they heard the front door. They didn’t realize how long they talked. Asmodeus came and ushered them to have dinner. Just after he had gone to his room saying goodnight to the duo, the front door knocked again. Shrugging at each other Magnus decided to open the door and he was stunned to see Alec there, leaning on the door frame with disheveled clothes, dopey smile and half closed eyes. It was clear Alec Lightwood was drunk._

_< <Flashback – Ending>>_

 

“Would you just tell me what the hell is going on here?” Magnus asked one more time, politely. But Alec only smiled and put the plate in front gesturing Magnus to sit. He brought out a box of caramel glazed donuts and two cups of caramel macchiato and finally pushed one cup toward Magnus as he bit into a donut. Starbucks Caramel Macchiato was another thing they had in common. Both finding out their sweet tooth for caramel made their friendship sweet like it.

Magnus rudely snatched the donut out of his hand. That caused some glaze to smudge on Alec’s upper lip. Alec just looked at him but took the other donut. Magnus again snatched it away.

“You know I haven’t had breakfast. I’m hungry.” Alec took a piece of bacon from Magnus’s breakfast and munched on it. Magnus just scowled and let him eat that.

“In case you haven’t noticed, I didn’t have breakfast either.”

“I didn’t ask you to not eat. Rather it’s right in front of you. Go on and eat.”

“What are you doing here, Alec? Seriously… just tell me why you are here.”

“I… I uh… I don’t know.” Alec looked down licking off the bacon grease from his fingers. Magnus scowled and felt his temper rising.

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“I don’t know what I’m doing here. I just know that I miss you. And I didn’t like that you left me too… when I needed you the most.”

Magnus stepped back, involuntarily. He felt like Alec had punched him in the chest and knocked his breath out. He was supposed to know the meaning of what Alec said right? Yet he felt lost. He didn’t understand. Why would Alec miss him? What did he mean he needed him the most? But the truth was Magnus did abandon Alec selfishly, just to protect himself. And it hurt. Alec’s words hurt, a lot.

 

_< <Flashback – Beginning>>_

_“Alec? What the fuck!” Magnus hurried to take Alec in his arms. Alec just slumped and let go. “Alec? Alec! Hey… Buddy… Are you okay? Alec? Open your eyes, buddy. Hey… hey…”_

_Magnus patted Alec’s warm and sweaty cheeks to bring him back to consciousness but Alec kept slipping._

_“He’s way too drunk, Mags. How did he even get here?” Cat said from behind and helped Magnus to carry Alec inside._

_“I don’t know… I have no idea… I’ve never seen him drinking so much…” Magnus shuffled to keep Alec upright by holding him by his waist. Alec threw an arm around Magnus’s waist and rested his head on his shoulder. Magnus somehow managed to put him on the couch and Alec just leaned on the side, fell on the couch and drifted off._

_“Magnus… what is going on?” Cat asked as they watched Alec sleeping peacefully._

_“No idea, Cat. I have no fucking idea.” Magnus sat on the side of the couch on the rug and pulled off Alec’s shoes. Then he pushed his legs on the couch and asked Cat to get some blanket for him. Magnus placed a throw pillow under Alec’s head and unbuckled his belt. But Alec was so deep in sleep that Magnus didn’t have the heart to move him to pull off the belt. He just took off his spec and let him sleep as Cat placed a blanket on Alec._

_“Let him sleep it off. Let’s go to bed. We should sleep too. It’s late.” Cat nudged Magnus._

_“I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving him in a state like this. You go. I’ll sleep here.” Magnus murmured with his eyes fixed on Alec’s face. He brushed off some stray hair from Alec’s forehead and just watched the boy._

_“Don’t be a kid, Magnus. You can’t sleep on the rug.” Cat rolled her eyes._

_Magnus’s head snapped back at her, his eyes defying, “Watch me.”_

_Cat knew if Magnus once set his mind, nothing can make him change. But she also never saw Magnus like that, caring about someone so much, ready to do anything for them. So she left to her room and Magnus placed his head on the couch beside Alec’s chest as he sat on the rug and drifted off to a troubled sleep._

_< <Flashback – Ending>>_

 

“You’re here because you missed me?”

“Apparently, yes. Imagine my shock.” Alec gave a bit of attitude but didn’t look at Magnus. He only nursed his drink and took a cool soothing sip of the caramel goodness.

“And you think I only abandoned you?”

“You did, Magnus. Don’t deny that.”

“And you didn’t? You didn’t push me away? You didn’t abandon me? You didn’t think I needed my friend too?”

Magnus snapped. His voice rose gradually. Alec looked up at him. There was something in Alec’s eyes that Magnus couldn’t figure out. They just stared at each other for a few moments until Alec sighed.

“I am sorry for that. You know I am. I was hurting and… and I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know what was right… or what to believe.”

“Then how can you blame me?” Magnus paused gauging Alec’s expressions, “How can you only blame me for abandoning you?”

Alec paused too. They kept on glaring at each other. Both understood that the sparks were flying already. “Why didn’t you tell me then? Why didn’t you tell me the truth?”

“What truth, Alec? What truth did you want me to tell?”

Alec didn’t say anything. He was still trying to think what to answer but Magnus had had enough.

“You believed the first thing that came from his mouth right after he broke up with you. You believed it all. You didn’t give me a chance to talk to you after you woke up the next morning. You just ran away. And never came back. At college, you kept pretending as if nothing happened. But everybody knew, didn’t they? James made sure of that. And you did nothing, just nothing. What was I supposed to do Alec? Chase after you? Tell me why… why I should’ve gone after you and make you see that I’m not someone as he said. Why I would have to be the one to justify my friendship? When you didn’t trust me, when clearly you didn’t believe me, then why? Why didn’t you fight for me?”

 

Alec knew he hurt Magnus. He knew it always. He knew he made a mistake by letting Magnus go. He knew he shouldn’t have trusted James after all that. But he was hurt and James confused him more. What James said, hurt him a lot. Letting James go, hurt too. And he wasn’t sure what to believe, who to trust. When Magnus kept quiet, Alec just blindly accepted that James might be true. Just it only took him 6 months to see the other side, to see his own mistake that probably drove Magnus away from him.

Magnus was right. Alec did run away the next morning. When his eyes opened sometimes at the dawn and his mind filled with the memories of the night before, a new wave of sadness had crashed over him. But seeing Magnus like that, sitting on the rug with his head on the couch and sleeping, just plain and simple hurt him. There was something about Magnus at that moment that freaked out Alec. He needed to run. He needed to get away. He needed a moment for himself. He needed to understand what was happening. Only it took him so long that it eventually pushed Magnus away from him. And he missed his friend. He terribly did. He just couldn’t find his way back.    

 

_< <Flashback – Beginning>>_

_It was Friday night when Alec turned up at Magnus’s doorstep. And Saturday morning, Magnus woke up to empty couch. For a moment he felt like he had a dream. But Cat’s expression was enough to tell him it wasn’t. Alec was there all night. Alec slept on his couch. Alec came to him drunk. And Alec was gone._

_That was the first time in a long time Magnus cried. Alec leaving without saying a word and not trying to wake him or anything was enough for Magnus to understand that he was abandoned. Alec’s gestures spoke volumes. Magnus wasn’t even sure why he cried but he did. He never expected Alec to leave him like that._

_Monday morning the whole department was buzzing. The news spread like wildfire that James and Alec had broken up on Friday evening. It was news for Magnus too. He didn’t know until then why Alec was drunk that night. But it still didn’t explain why Alec went to him or left like that._

_It wasn’t long Magnus lived in that confusion. He tried to talk to Alec but got avoided like he was a stranger. Magnus wasn’t sure what was happening until Clary dragged him to the café. James and Alec were fighting, in front of everyone. Well, James was talking and Alec was just staring. Alec wasn’t even trying to look strong and mask his pain. And James wasn’t about to back down from speaking bullshit. Belatedly Magnus realized that all the bullshit was about him._

_James was blaming Alec for being too friendly with him. James was judging Alec for being too friendly with him. James was questioning Alec’s friendship with him. James was disrespecting Magnus’s friendship with Alec. James was telling that Magnus was in love Alec and he was after Alec and he wanted Alec and James to break up so he could have a chance with Alec. James was saying that he was breaking up with Alec for Magnus because he wasn’t sure of Alec’s feelings toward him anymore, not since Magnus came in between them._

_Stunned and shocked Magnus’s eyes went to Alec who just stood there and listened to the obscene profanity. James kept on talking about Magnus and his ulterior motive to be Alec’s friend and why he decided to break up. James said that he couldn’t see Magnus and Alec be friends like that anymore, knowing that every minute he had to spend away from Alec, he was scared that Magnus would try and take his love away from him. So it was better they break up. He was putting Alec in a position to choose between James and Magnus, between love and friendship. As if it was a choice._

_Magnus knew he should be hurt. He should be hurt of how James was trashing his friendship, tarnishing everything he held dear and ruining him to Alec. But he wasn’t. James didn’t hurt him as much as Alec’s silence did. When James was done, Alec turned to leave only to meet Magnus’s eyes halfway. And Magnus was sure he saw the disgust for himself in Alec’s eyes. Alec left. He just walked out of the café and didn’t come back for the rest of the day. And Magnus just stood there, stunned to his roots. Unhelpfully Clary informed him that neither Simon nor she talked about it to anyone or to James. It was a shock to them all as of how James found out about Magnus’s feelings for Alec. Only nobody had any promising answer to that._

_Alec was missing from college for the rest of the week after that. Magnus’s every attempt to reach Alec was just futile effort. Alec just shut him away. And after that when he was back in college, they both just pretended as if nothing happened. They were just keeping their head down, doing their work and their friendship was non-existent anymore. That’s it, that’s all._

_< <Flashback – Ending>>_

 

“Magnus… I really am sorry. I was stupid and I didn’t see he was playing me. I should’ve known that… that you wouldn’t do that to me. I should’ve trusted you. And I’m sorry about that. I really am.” Alec started to speak, in a soft, cautious tone. “I am sorry for how I behaved with you. I should’ve let you talk. But I was hurt, Magnus.”

“And so you just trusted him? Just decided that I’m not someone to trust?” Magnus snapped. 6 months he tried to hold down his anger and right now Alec wasn’t helping his case. He was mad. He was furious. He was hurt too. He just wanted to scream and yell. “And what do you mean you should’ve known I wouldn’t do that to you?”

Alec gazed at him. “Magnus really, please don’t be angry with me. Try to understand my place. I’m not being angry with you for leaving me. This… all this stupid nonsense wouldn’t have lasted for 6 months if you’d just talk to me. I pushed you away. But you gave up on me too.”

Magnus scowled. Alec was slowly warming up to angry bickering. “So I’m at fault for past 6 months too? Who came to my house drunk right after the breakup? Who slept on my couch and who the fucking hell left right at the crack of dawn without saying anything? You know, if it wasn’t for my friend I would’ve thought it was a dream. And even at the café… when James wouldn’t just shut up… you didn’t say anything. Not even for yourself. You just let him trash our friendship… trash you. What was I supposed to say when he was literally insinuating that he was breaking up with you for me? You anyway never wanted to listen to me. So why for fuck’s sake, I’d try? You didn’t try to know anything. You didn’t want to know anything. You just trusted him.”

“What did you want me to do huh? What should I’ve done? Defend you? Our friendship? He already broke up with me. I didn’t hope to get back with him again, not after how he doubted me, my loyalty, my friendship, and my love. And if you knew me a little bit, you should’ve known that I don’t like to fight. I don’t like to do what we’re doing right now. I’d rather keep quiet. He was already done hurting me and I didn’t want to do anything about it. And FYI, I was having the same doubt.”

Magnus’s eyes widen. He was staring at Alec stunned. Alec had the same doubt? Did Alec doubt his friendship too? How could that be possible?

 

“Doubt?” Magnus squeaked.

Magnus waited for Alec to say something, anything. Alec kept his mouth shut and their eyes kept on boring on each other. The current was flowing everywhere by then, the tension building more and more with each passing moment.

“You doubted me?”

Magnus and Alec were standing in front of each other. Breakfast was long forgotten. The remained caramel glaze on Alec’s upper lip was demanding Magnus’s full attention but Magnus could barely take his eyes away from Alec’s. And Alec was suffering a heart drumming in his chest as they stood quite closer and Magnus was still in just his boxer. Talk about luck! Alec couldn’t believe how easy it was for Magnus to challenge him like that.

“You doubted my friendship?”

Magnus was glaring, full on. Alec could see the blazing fire in his brown eyes, glinting with morning sun. Magnus’s voice was getting stronger and rising with each question. Tentatively Alec took a step back as Magnus took one at him. He could feel that the shit was about to go down. Only if he could just calm his heart and focus on Magnus and not his body.

“Or was it my intention? Did you doubt my intention?”

Magnus took another step. But Alec was caught up in the spell that was Magnus’s brown hypnotizing eyes. He was rooted to his spot and let Magnus get closer to him. The anger was palpable – waiting – etching to just crack and flow, consume them both. But Alec was aware of the moment. He knew he needed to hold on until the right time.

“What did you doubt, Alec? What – Did – You – Doubt?”

Alec could feel Magnus’s temper. The blaze in those dark eyes turned him on… wait, turned him on? What the fuck was happening there?

Alec paused. His head went blank for a moment. All he could see the darkening of those brown eyes. And the red lips. Red lips?

Fucking Christ, Alec! Concentrate. Alec mentally chided himself. But it wasn’t enough. His head was already filling with something, something unexplainable.

“WHAT DID YOU DOUBT?”

Okay, that was enough. It was enough for breaking Alec out of his trance. And he gasped the moment he realized Magnus was really too close to him to step back. Their eyes were still boring into each other. Nobody dared to breathe.

 

“Why are you angry, Magnus? What makes you so angry?”

Alec didn’t know what possessed him. He just knew that his body was moving forward. His feet took steps on his own and Magnus was moving back.

“Why are you always so angry with me?”

A couple more steps and the sense of challenge surged stronger in Alec. Magnus backed away, slowly, matching Alec’s step. It was like a dangerous dance, any one of them faltering one step would just break the spell.

“Why did you always restrain yourself with me?”

The pain lashed out in Alec. The last 6 months was tough. Getting over James was easy. But getting over Magnus wasn’t. And that’s what made him madder, his irrational, unexplainable, weird feelings about Magnus. He should’ve been sad about losing James. Instead, he was angry about Magnus.

“Why did you let me push you away? Why didn’t you make me stop doing the bullshit? Why did you let me hurt you?”

They weren’t seeing where they were going. They were just moving, in sync. Their bodies were attuned, to the other. Their hearts were beating, faster. Their eyes were locked, on each other. Their breaths were shallow and short.

 

“A helmet, Magnus… A helmet and a midnight video are what took you to finally talk to me. Finally, send me a message. Finally, tell me that you’re worried… that that fucking video made you worry enough to message me, say something. Do you have any idea how long I was waiting for that?”

Alec was moving faster, missing beats. He was hap-hazarding the dance. And Magnus found himself nowhere to go. He was trapped between Alec’s stance and the stupid wall that separate the main hall and the kitchen.

“A stupid helmet, Magnus… That’s all? Why didn’t I think of that before! And why the fuck was you angry? Why are you still angry?”

Alec was inches away from Magnus who immediately sucked in a breath. Alec’s whole body was hovering over him. Magnus barely noticed he was standing between Alec’s legs and pressed against the wall. Alec was definitely in his private space. And there was a certain fire in Alec’s hazels, a fire that Magnus had never seen before.

“It can’t be all about a stupid helmet… it can’t be all about James… it can’t be all about my break up… Magnus, I broke up. My relationship ended… but it hurt you… why?”

 

Alec’s mouth was running unfiltered. And with every word, Magnus’s heart dropped a bit more in his stomach. He was holding his breath like the last thread to life. How long would he be trapped there? Because suddenly he couldn’t breathe. Alec’s smell, his body, his radiating warmth, his stance, his eyes, his proximity… Alec was chocking Magnus.

“WHY ARE YOU HURT, MAGNUS?”

Alec gripped on Magnus’s biceps that made him shake badly. He was scared of Alec at that moment. But it also did something to him. It spiked his heart rate.

It wasn’t the right moment. But it still happened. It was inevitable, right?

One of them was supposed to crack under the heat of the moment, right?

One of them was supposed to confess?

Come out?

Tell the truth?

Face the storm?

Let the shit go down?

 

Belatedly, Magnus realized it wasn’t their mouth talking anymore. It was their hearts, both Magnus's and Alec’s.

They were coming closer to the truth Magnus was maybe not really successful to hide well.

The shit was really about to go down.

The ball was to drop.

And Magnus’s stupid phone started playing ‘The Middle’ again.

Oh yeah…

“Just how we got into this mess/ Got so aggressive/ I know we meant all good intentions/ So pull me closer…” Maren’s voice filled the air.

 

Magnus was unable to move, unable to breathe, unable to do anything but just look into Alec’s eyes, hold the gaze. Alec wasn’t helping him to stay calm. The proximity was eluding him to lose control. The tight grip on his upper arms was the only thing holding him on his legs and not letting him fall, on Alec. That hold was the only thing keeping Magnus away and not let go into the emotions, not close the distance between them and show Alec what he means to him. It was frustrating. But it was equally arousing Magnus which he didn’t even want to deny anymore. At best what’d happen?

Alec would leave him again?

Alec would hate him?

Alec would be disgusted?

Well, Magnus considered himself as someone who always gets left behind. So Alec leaving wouldn’t hurt much… right?

 

Alec wasn’t sure what was happening to him, why was he doing whatever he was doing. He just knew that his body, his brain was acting on its own. And he had no control over his sudden raging urge to feel Magnus in his arms, hold him closer. He wanted it so bad… he wanted to hug his friend and let it go. He just wanted Magnus.

And that’s why he wasn’t sure why he was yelling. He wasn’t someone who gets angry easily. He wasn’t someone who likes yelling or shouting at someone. He wasn’t someone to lose control so easily. He never fought with James for anything. He just let things happen on their own. Then why the hell Magnus had been hurting him so much?

Why was Magnus initiating so many emotions in him?

Why Magnus was infuriating him beyond his limit?

 

“Alec… please let me go…” Magnus mumbled but felt the grip only tightening.

“Why – Are – You – Angry?” Alec bit each word leaning his body even closer.

“I’m… I’m… I’m not…”

“Don’t lie to me anymore.”

“I’m not lying, Alec… please… just lemme go…”

“So I didn’t hurt you then? I’m not hurting you now?”

“Alec…” Magnus was stunned. What was Alec doing to him?

Alec saw Magnus’s eyes widening. But he didn’t understand the emotion.

Hurt?

Pain?

Sadness?

Anger?

Hatred?

Fear?

Nothing made sense.

 

“Alec… it hurts…”

Magnus’s timid little voice cut through the fog that was blinding Alec. His hold dropped. His body immediately stepped back. Magnus sucked in a quick breath. When did they reach there?

When did they get so close to each other?

When did they start hurting?

Alec took a  couple more steps back. The fear and shame ran through his expression visibly. He never wanted to hurt Magnus. And yet he did.

Why couldn't he check himself?

Why didn’t he stop?

 

“It’s okay, Alec… It’s okay… You didn’t hurt me much… It’s okay…” Magnus stepped closer. His voice was soothing and trying to calm Alec.

“I… I’m… I’m sor – sorry.” Alec stammered.

“It’s okay… Hey… Look at me… It’s okay… It doesn’t hurt anymore…”

“It doesn’t?”

Alec’s question threw Magnus off his track.

Were they still talking about Alec cornering Magnus?

Or were they talking about something entirely else?

“It doesn’t hurt you?”

“No, Alec… not anymore.”

“When?”

“When what?”

“When did it stop hurting?”

“You never hurt me, Alec… Your grip was just a bit strong for me… That’s all. I know you would never hurt me… I know, Alec… I know you.”

“Then… then why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“That you don’t like James…”

“James? What? I…”

Magnus lost his momentum. He just blinked at Alec blankly. When did they start talking about James?

“I don’t hate James.”

“Liar.”

“Why would I hate James?”

“Because… because…”

“Because - what, Alec?”

Alec paused. This wasn’t going on as planned. This had gone wrong from the very beginning. He looked at Magnus.

“Fine… you don’t hate me. You don’t hate James. I never hurt you. It’s all good… great.”

Alec stepped back and turned around.

Why did it hurt?

Why was he hurting to admit that?

That’s he wanted, right?

Magnus frowned.

Alec just gave up? Again?

“What is that supposed to mean?” Magnus went after Alec who walked out of the kitchen and to the main door.

“It doesn’t mean anything, Magnus. Nothing at all.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you doing this to me?”

“What am I doing?”

Alec turned to look at Magnus again, making him stop abruptly. They stood a foot away from each other, both glaring at each other. But none had the courage to move forward and do something.

“You’re… you’re confusing me…”

“About what?”

Actually, it was Alec who was confused.

What did he do to confuse Magnus?

He watched as Magnus ran his fingers through his hair and turned away from him to walk inside. Alec followed.

“About everything… You’re making me question everything…”

“Everything?”

Alec took a few steps behind Magnus who just plopped on the couch with his knees apart and his elbows resting on his knees, hands holding his head.

“Am I bothering you, Magnus?”

Alec felt certain insecurity working in him suddenly. He had seen James like that so many times. Whenever Alec asked too many questions, that was how James used to show his annoyance, sitting like that holding his head down, not meeting his eyes and sighing heavily.

Magnus didn’t reply. He couldn’t find words anymore. All he could think was why were they there?

Why were they having that intense talk?

What the hell was happening between them?

Why was Alec being so cryptic?

He sighed again running his fingers through his hair in a grabbing motion.

Alec felt a chill creeping down his spine.

How did he go so wrong?

When did he misjudge the whole situation?

Why didn’t he see that before?

Magnus was tired of him. Magnus wanted an out. That’s why he left right? He may have pushed Magnus away but Magnus didn’t try to mend their friendship either. It was an out for Magnus, a perfect out. And Alec came back and destroyed everything. No, it can’t be happening. He wasn’t going to see another rejection again. Especially not when he decided to give himself a chance. No, not again.

Alec choked on nothing. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He couldn’t believe he was wrong to understand Magnus too. He couldn’t believe he misjudged Magnus’s display of emotions. Damn, he was a fool, a very stupid, ridiculous fool.

“I… uh I’m…” Alec gulped heavily, “I uh… Sorry…” his eyes trained on Magnus who didn’t move a muscle, “I’m sorry…”

Magnus didn’t notice Alec was walking back until he bumped into a chair that fell with a loud thud. Alec jumped at the sound. He was literally lost in his head. Magnus looked up at the sound and was on his feet the next moment hurrying to Alec. He held Alec by his upper arms to see if he was injured or not. Magnus was looking at him and asking him something. But Alec didn’t hear anything. He just saw Magnus’s eyes and the worry in that. Alec was more conflicted than he was before. What was Magnus doing to him?

“Are you okay? Alec… hey… you didn’t get hurt right? Why don’t you just look where you’re going? Alec… hey… what happened? Are you okay?”

Alec barely heard those worried questions. He didn’t know if he should believe Magnus. Was Magnus really worried for him? Or was he just…

No. Alec couldn’t think anymore. Staying there longer would only hurt him more. So he stepped back again, out of Magnus’s grip. Magnus only stared back at him surprised.

“Alec… what… are you… are you okay?”

Magnus was worried. He’d never seen Alec so pale and flushed. He looked as if he’d seen ghosts. It worried him more that Alec wasn’t saying anything. He was just staring at him but those hazels were just blank. They were scary blank. He shook Alec lightly to bring him back. Alec didn’t respond.

“Uhh… I should leave… I’m sorry for bothering you.”

Magnus paused for a moment to believe what he heard was correct. Did Alec just apologize? For bothering him? What the fuck gave him that idea? And leave… he noticed Alec was rushing out of his front door. Took him another moment to gather himself but he rushed after Alec.

Alec was straddling his motorbike and put the key in the ignition when Magnus stood in front. Alec gave him a look but paddled back on the driveway making Magnus furious. Magnus swore under his breath and ran to Alec and grabbed onto the handle. Alec looked at him again. Before he could do something, Magnus pulled out the key from the ignition.

Alec only looked. There was nothing in his eyes. Magnus’s though showed confusion, fear and annoy. Alec was scared. It was as if he was seeing James all over again. But this time he needed to get away from James… uh, Magnus. He couldn’t let that happen all over again.

 

“Where are you going?”

Magnus asked frowning deeply at Alec’s change of mood all of a sudden. Alec didn’t make any move to get the key.

“Alec… I’m asking you something… Why are you leaving so suddenly? I thought… I thought you wanted to talk… I thought you came to see me…”

“Gimme the keys…”

“Not until you tell me what’s going on.”

“Let me leave before…” Alec bit his tongue. No, he couldn’t Magnus know about his insecurity.

“Before what?” Magnus frowned. He couldn’t understand what happened so suddenly that Alec took about a 180° turn.

Alec didn’t say anything. He kept eyeing the key in Magnus’s hand. Magnus noticed the eye movement. He gulped.

“So that’s it? You’re giving up on me again? That’s why you came? To do this… to leave me again like this? So this is your friendship, huh?”

Magnus was furious. He didn’t understand why Alec was behaving like that. And why it was hurting him.

“Why did you come here then, huh? Why pretend like you wanna be friends with me? And again you’re not even telling me why… you’re just leaving me. Like I’m a plaything to you. You pull me closer whenever you have a mind and then you push me away when you’re done. Well, guess what, Alec… I’m not your plaything. You wanna leave… just leave… but then don’t come back again.”

Magnus threw the keys at Alec’s chest. Alec caught them before they hit him and Magnus turned on his heels, sauntering back into the house.

Magnus was at the door when he turned back again. Alec was holding the keys and looking at them when he heard Magnus. He looked up.

“Just one last question… Answer if you want… Why did you go to meet James last night?”

Magnus crossed his arms on his chest and looked at Alec defying. He was waiting for an answer. Or to see Alec leave. Alec looked at his keys and back at Magnus. He was slightly frowning as if he was confused. Nobody said anything but just stayed like that. Both staring at each other feeling something build between them again.

Mechanically, Alec put the key in again. Magnus watched his movements. His mouth twitched but set into a hard grim line. Their eyes weren’t moving away from each other until Magnus turned and went inside, slamming the door behind him.

 

A couple of moments later Magnus heard his bedroom door opening. He didn’t need to turn. He knew Alec was there. His mouth twitched again.

“Why does it matter?”

Alec’s gruff voice made Magnus turn. Magnus gave him a questioning look, crossing his arms and arching an eyebrow. He was standing in between the open doors of his closet, still in boxer, not that Alec was paying any attention there.

“Why does it matter that I went to meet James?”

“So you did go to meet him. In the middle of the night. Being half drunk. With Jace. On your bike. Without helmet. And you’re asking me why does it matter?”

Magnus almost growled. Alec narrowed his eyes. He slowly stepped toward Magnus.

“Yes, I’m asking you, Magnus. Why does it matter to you so much? It’s not like the first time I did something like that. It’s not the first time I drove through the city in midnight or did it with some booze in my system or Jace riding with me. It’s not the first time we made videos like that. It’s not the first time I went to meet James. It’s not the first time of me being reckless, Magnus. But you always reacted as if it scared you. Why Magnus? Why does it scare you?”

Alec wasn’t sure but he was having the same vibe when they were downstairs, in the kitchen. He could feel the same current flowing between them again. He could feel the same intensity in their gazes again. He was drawn to Magnus, again.

Alec was standing in front of Magnus who shuffled back a step only to hit the wardrobe shelves. Alec would’ve gotten closer if Magnus hadn’t placed a palm of Alec’s chest, effectively stopping him.

“Is it about James? Does it bother you that I went to see James? Does it hurt you? Or you’re just scared about my safety? What is it, Magnus?”

“I…” Magnus stuttered. First for Alec being so close to him and second because he couldn’t think of any other answer than truth. “I, uh… it’s James, okay?”

Magnus swallowed heavily and closed his eyes. He didn’t know if he wanted to see the look on Alec, “I was worried about you because you went to James’s, in a condition like that. And with Jace… I didn’t know what to think. I saw the video in the morning and I was afraid. I was worried about you. So I just texted. I needed to know you’re okay.”

Alec didn’t say anything in reply. Magnus dared to steal a glance at him. But saw Alec standing a bit away, clearing his personal space. Magnus looked at him with a frown. Alec was just gazing at Magnus before he stepped back and sat on Magnus’s bed.

 

“You know why I was there last night?”

Alec said after a long pause. Magnus was still in front of the open wardrobe waiting, for something to happen. But he didn’t expect Alec to talk.

“You don’t have to tell me… It’s okay… I was just worried. Silly me.”

Magnus tried but he shut up the moment Alec’s eyes snapped at him.

“I was going there to have a final talk.” Alec started soft and slow. He rubbed his forehead with his fingers as if he was tired. His eyes were closed as he spoke, “I don’t know if I need that or not. I was on my way anyway. Maybe because I was a bit drunk. But I really wanted to talk to him. Wanted to ask him why he did that to me. Why he destroyed my friendship with you. I know you never said anything to him. And yet he was so sure when he talked about you… as if he knew exactly what he was saying. Sober me couldn’t gather the courage to go and talk and demand an answer. So I used some booze… hoped it’d help…”

“So… you didn’t meet him?” Magnus was confused.

“No.”

“Why?”

“You know you and he lives just a block apart, right?”

“Yes… I do.”

“I saw your house.”

“What?”

“I saw your house when I was on my way to his. I just stopped outside here. I couldn’t go there.”

“What?”

“I didn’t meet him last night. I couldn’t. Not after seeing your house. Jace thought I was being weird. But I knew you wouldn’t like me doing something like that. So I didn’t go there. I went home. Just forgot to take down the video. You weren’t supposed to see that.”

Magnus couldn’t say anything either. What do you reply to something like that anyway?

“So if your anger is about James… Don’t. If your worry is about my safety… don’t. I’m not used to it. You don’t need to…”

“When would you understand, huh?”

Magnus was about to sit beside Alec but he remained standing, in front of Alec, yelling suddenly. Alec had to tilt his head back so he could look at Magnus. As Magnus was standing right in front, Alec’s eye line was direct on Magnus’s abs, which at that moment wasn’t something he wanted to focus on. Especially not when Magnus was still in his boxer and nothing else. Involuntarily he swallowed thickly. His gay was showing.

“When would you understand that I care about you?”

Magnus half-yelled, half-growled. Magnus was good at pulling that sort of voice. He was good when he wanted to be furious without showing it on his expression.

“You’re not used to it… that’s okay. But that doesn’t mean I’ll stop worrying about you… or caring. I do care about you, Alec. I can understand if you have a hard time to believe that since James. But I do care about you, whether you like it or not. And I can’t stop. I tried. I tried to use the time away from you to stop thinking about you… and worry about you… and care about you all the time… but I just can’t… I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop worrying. I can’t stop caring. And I can’t stop missing you. Fucking hell, Alec… what have you done to me?”

Magnus plopped down on the bed beside him, exasperated and resigned. Alec only turned his head to look.

“I could say the same.”

“What?”

“I could say the same, Magnus… what have you done to me?”

Magnus just blankly stared at Alec.

“Alec… what is going on?”

Magnus found his voice after some time. He was shocked and gazing at Alec with some new found affection. He wasn’t sure what he was looking for or searching but he could see something different on Alec. He had changed in the last few months. Alec had started to talk more cryptically.

“Nothing,” Alec sighed heavily.

“Are you sure?” Magnus pressed.

Alec didn’t say anything. He just stood up and went to the door. Magnus stared at him. Both weren’t sure if they were supposed to say anything. Or say what.

Alec turned at the door.

“I’m confused, Mags. I don’t know what’s right… I don’t know what the truth is.”

 

Magnus pondered for a minute. Should he reply to this? Truth is always an overrated idea, an illusion. There’s nothing absolute about it. Whatever is true for someone may not be so true for someone else.

Does he want to indulge in a vague idea like that?

Does he want to confess?

Does he want Alec to know anything?

He can always lie. But the question is that if he wants to anymore.

Doesn’t he want Alec all to himself?

Doesn’t he want Alec’s affection?

His heart and soul… Doesn’t he want Alec's love?

Doesn’t he want more?

If he says something now would he be taking advantage of Alec? Of his situation of post-breakup? Of his loneliness?

If he says something now would he be deceiving Alec?

If he says something now would Alec ever misunderstand him?

Maybe think that it wasn’t Love but pity… a try to help a friend in his bad time.

Magnus was thinking so many things at once. He was lost in his thoughts so much that he didn’t notice that Alec kept staring at him until he just shook his head and turned to leave, probably thinking that Magnus just doesn’t wanna say anything or talk to him.

 

“Alec… Wait…”

Magnus called after the moment he realized Alec wasn’t in his room anymore. He ran after him, “Alec…”

“It’s okay, Magnus. You don’t have to…”

“No… wait… I…”

Alec turned to look at Magnus. They were in the open drawing-room, standing a couple of feet away from each other. The awkwardness was looming between them like a heavy cloud. Alec’s eyes trained on Magnus. And Magnus was opening and closing his mouth like gaping fish. He couldn’t find his words anymore.

“It’s okay, Magnus. You don’t have to explain.”

Alec turned for a few more steps and opened the door.

“I love you.”

 

Alec heard the panicked words. He stood stunned holding the handle of the door. He was frozen at the moment. The silence filled the air and stretched by the moment as Alec started thinking that he must’ve heard it wrong. A sudden fury erupted in him the moment he realized there wouldn’t be any other words coming from Magnus. Whether he heard it right or wrong, it became important for him to know that he didn’t imagine it all. That Magnus wasn’t playing with him. That it wasn’t a cruel joke. He turned slowly.

“What did you say?” Alec’s tone was light, calm but icy cold.

“I… uh…” Magnus was fidgeting badly.

Magnus didn’t even know why he said it. He just realized that he said ‘I love you’ to Alec. He was opening and closing his mouth, again rendered speechless as Alec turned to him. He saw the furious blaze in Alec’s hazels. He was scared and unsure of what to say, how to explain himself.

“What did you just say?”

Alec slowly sauntered to Magnus. His feet were dragging on every step as if he was unsure of their destination.

“I uh… don’t go, please… don’t leave me…”

Magnus’s attempt at damage control was as feeble as his voice. Alec could hear the begging in those words.

“Give me a reason, Magnus… one reason I shouldn’t… tell me why…”

 

By then Alec knew he didn’t hear it wrong. Magnus said just the words he heard. And that made his heart flutter in his chest. He felt good, happy even.

But what was he doing to Magnus?

Why was he making Magnus say that?

Could he reciprocate that feeling?

Would he be able to respect and savor Magnus’s feelings?

Was he ready to do this again, to let someone in?

Wouldn’t it be torture to Magnus if he couldn’t reciprocate his feelings if he couldn’t give back what he deserves?

Then why was it so important for him to hear it from Magnus?

Why did he want Magnus to say it?

 

“I… I don’t know… just, please… just don’t leave me again…”

“Why, Magnus? Why should I listen to you? Why?”

Alec pressed on. He could feel Magnus’s hesitation and discomfort. And yet he pressed on. It was like he couldn’t stop. It was as if he wanted to hear those words again, from Magnus. It was like those words woke something inside him that he needed to discover more and more.

 

No answer came from Magnus. He stood there with his mouth agape, shock prominent on his expression, eyes wide in astonishment and shoulders and jaws tightened with tension and fear. He hardly was able to meet Alec’s eyes that were begging him to talk, say something. Magnus tested his jaw, tried moving them and they did. But no words came out of his mouth. The words were just rushing in his head and he couldn’t say anything. They were on his tip of the tongue but wouldn’t just go out. Magnus felt frustrated.

 

Alec was disappointed. He truly was. He didn’t understand why but he was. He thought Magnus would say it again. He thought that’d change something in him again, bring back the moment when he just wanted to run to Magnus and take him in his arms. But it didn’t happen. Magnus just blankly stared at him and him, at Magnus. It was truly time for him to leave because he didn’t know what he was fighting for anymore.

Why he went to meet Magnus anyway?

The moment had turned exceptionally sour.

The connection was broken.

The electric was lost.

 

Alec stepped back slowly without taking his eyes from Magnus until his back hit the door. His hand reached the door and opened it before he finally took his gaze away and turned to leave. Fucking hell! He couldn’t believe it was done, it was over and the outcome wasn’t something he was thinking of.

And anyway what did he think of?

He didn’t have any hope when he came to see Magnus, right?

He was just acting on a hunch, just a farfetched hunch. Of course, it wasn’t supposed to lead anywhere. It was just a hunch.

 

Alec had taken two steps out of the door when he felt two arms wrapping at his chest. The sudden movement made him freeze. The arms were pulling him closer as a warm naked body flush against his back. He felt a head leaning on his shoulder, a cheek pressing on his shoulder blade, puffs of short warm breath hitting the back of his neck that ran chill down his spine. Some hair tickled at his jaw, arms gripped stronger at his chest, hands and fingers grabbed on his shirt as if a great deal depended on that. Those hands were holding him closer, caressing his chest and making him insane. The waft of sandalwood musk of Magnus was overwhelming his senses, making him tingle everywhere. Alec closed his eyes and sucked in a breath. He had never felt such a strong connection to any man ever.

“Don’t leave, Alec… please.”

Magnus’s voice broke. Alec bit his lip harshly.

“Why, Magnus?”

“I love you.”

 

It was fluid.

There was no moment lost.

Magnus just said it and closed his eyes. Alec held Magnus’s wrists and ran his thumbs on the knuckles. For a moment it felt good. It felt like everything was okay, was better. It felt like Alec could breathe again, stay there and let it consume him. It felt like Alec could hope again. It was a soft, lingering gesture. And yet conveyed so much to Alec within moments.

And then Alec broke his dream, ripped himself out of it and pried Magnus’s hands off his chest. He stepped out of Magnus’s arms and without sparing Magnus another look; he walked ahead, to his motorbike. And within seconds, he was gone. The air was filled with the rumble of the bike slowly fading. Magnus stood at the door, tears filling his eyes.

 

Mistakes should be damned, right?

 

When Alec was hiding in his room and from everyone else, pulling his hair off because he was unable to answer his own questions and keep remembering the moments with Magnus, Magnus had to go through the scrutiny of the situation with his father. As if his heartbreak wasn’t enough that Asmodeus wanted to go after Alec and teach that boy some lesson. Magnus loves his protecting father but sometimes Asmodeus was too good for him.

That day, Magnus didn’t go to college. He couldn’t. Not after what happened. He was in his bed, cocooned in his limbs and duvet and felt what numbness felt like. Thankfully, the next days were weekends. So nobody bothered him. But that night, at dinner, Asmodeus knew something must’ve happened the moment he saw his son’s eyes. Magnus, being the good kid and always taking his father as his best friend, told everything about the morning, from Alec’s visit to his confession to Alec’s leave. Asmodeus was angry, Magnus could understand that. What he couldn’t understand were his own feelings. In his heart, he still wanted Alec, even after what Alec did. It didn’t feel rational.

 

Alec, on the other hand, was about to become insane. He couldn’t sleep. Whenever he closed his eyes, Magnus, his brown eyes, the begging voice, and those words just haunt him. He was restless, agitated. Anxiety was gripping him slowly because with each passing day he felt the guilt, of leaving Magnus, again. He didn’t want to do that. He didn’t plan to do that. And that’s why he couldn’t figure out why he did that.

What made him leave?

Why couldn’t he just turn and face Magnus?

Why couldn’t he just tell him about his feelings?

 

Even after 5 days later, Magnus didn’t have the heart to go to college. But he had to, for three reasons. His dad kicked him out because he was missing too many classes. Clary and Izzy called and messaged him the whole night to plan a party. And last but not least, it was Alec’s birthday. Every inch of his being was begging him to go to college, see Alec and wish him, maybe steal a hug if he was too lucky. He was just not sure if that’d be a good idea if meeting Alec and wishing him would be a good idea for his feelings and emotions. The burn of abandonment was still fresh in his mind.

 

Probably it was the worst idea of the century.

Magnus could attest to that the moment he walked into college and the very first thing he did was just bump into Alec. What an incredible way to start the day!

They stood at the corridor, silent and not meeting eyes. People walked around them without bothering so much. Some stopped by to wish Alec but after a few, Alec stopped responding. His whole focus was on Magnus. Nevertheless, they stood there, right in front of each other.

Magnus didn’t want to see Alec or look into his eyes. By the moment he was expecting Alec to leave. But for once Alec wasn’t. He stood there in his stipulated black and white attire, messy hair, spec and bag on his shoulder. His right hand was holding the strap of the bag and left was tucked in the front pocket of his jeans.

Magnus in a white cotton shirt, light summer cotton jacket, black jeans, and zebra stripped converse… wait, what?

When did that happen?

When did he wore black and white and stupidly became color co-ordinated with Alec?

He shook his head, blaming his subconscious for remembering Alec’s birthday and knowing that he’d wear black and white. His subconscious decided to honor the birthday boy and go with his theme. Bloody ruckus subconscious.

Magnus glared at his own clothes and then at Alec’s chest, not daring to look up. Alec cleared his throat which was a clear indication that he was demanding attention. Magnus rolled his eyes first but humored Alec and looked up, pointing a stern glare.

 

“Hello, Magnus.”

“Hello, Alexander.”

Magnus noticed a sly smile ghosting on Alec’s lips. It made him worry a bit as he wasn’t sure of the reason behind that smile.

“Good morning, Magnus.”

“Good morning, Alexander.”

Magnus noticed that weird cheeriness in Alec’s voice. Must be the birthday zing. Has to be the birthday zing. Alec loves birthdays a lot. He always enjoys his own birthday as well as others. He is a pretty happening guy when it’s about birthdays.

“So you have anything to say?”

Alec was trying really hard to not smile. Though he was worried Magnus might throw a glare or a few punches for what he did 5 days ago. But he just hoped that Magnus wouldn’t do any of that as it’s his birthday. Magnus is not much of fan of celebrating birthdays but he at least respects others’.

“Say what?”

Magnus tried to show some heat in his voice. He knew what Alec was asking for but he decided to tease him a bit. Since what Alec did to Magnus, it was least of payback Magnus could think of.

“You have nothing to say?”

Magnus frowned as Alec looked surprised and hurt. The next moment he fumed for how Alec could look hurt. His frown deepened.

“I don’t think so. I thought you’re done talking to me.”

Magnus didn’t even need to pretend angry anymore. He already was. Alec stared at him for a few moments before he dropped his gaze and sighed.

“Okay, I get it. I’m sorry I asked.”

Magnus was smart enough to see what was happening. He could see Alec was hurt. The guilt on his face, Alec wasn’t even trying to mask it. Alec slowly made a beeline and walked past Magnus without looking at him again. Belatedly Magnus realized Alec was as hurt as he was. He couldn’t understand or grasp the reason but he was sure Alec was hurting too.

 

“Happy birthday, Alec,” Magnus’s murmur and his little tug on Alec’s wrist made Alec stop and turn around.

“Thanks. But you didn’t have to.”

Alec freed his hand and tried to walk away again.

“Will you stop showing me your back all the time and grow up a bit so we can talk face to face like how people normally do?”

Alec stopped mid-step as the words reached him in one breath in a flurry. He turned again.

“Better… now, listen.” Magnus tentatively took a couple of steps so he could be in front of Alec, “I don’t know what happened that morning. I don’t know why you left. I don’t know why I said that. But I meant each and every word. So I’ll ask you again – don’t leave me. This, our friendship means a lot to me. And I’m sure I can keep myself, my feelings in check if that’s what’s bothering you. So please, don’t take this friendship away from me. The rest is up to you. I can only ask you. But the choice is yours. I wouldn’t push you if it repels you that your friend is in love with you. And happy birthday again. Wish you a very happy day and a very happy year ahead.”

Magnus left Alec’s wrist and started to walk away only to be surprised when he was pulled back by the same hand. He was more than surprised and yelped when he wasn’t only pulled back but in the motion, he turned and fell on Alec’s chest. His hands were protectively put between his and Alec’s body also effectively trapping him as Alec’s arms went around his back and held him tight.

 

“Alec… what the hell are you…” Magnus was cut off by the intense gaze of Alec.

“Shut up, will you?” Alec snarled angrily, “And how the fuck did you get the idea that it would repel me that my friend is in love with me? How can you be so thick sometimes?”

Magnus gaped at Alec blinking and trying to register that Alec’s face was only inches away from him. Their bodies were flushed against each other. Alec’s bag was on the floor but Magnus’s was still on his shoulders and pressing on his back due to the tight grip of Alec’s arms around him. Magnus braced himself with his palms pressed against Alec’s collar as Alec’s grip almost got him off his feet. He was barely standing on the tip of his shoes and held closer by Alec. His back arched slightly in vain attempt to put some distance between them.

“How could you think so low of me? Is that what you think of me? Is that how you see me, someone - who’d be repelled because his friend actually loves him? Don’t you understand that I care about you too?”

Alec suddenly dropped his arms and pushed Magnus back. Magnus stumbled to find his balance on his own feet. He was truly shaken by the sudden brazen display of Alec and as well as the words. Alec bent to pick his bag and shouldered it before racking his hair with his fingers and straightened his spec.

“You know what… nice birthday gift by the way. I know you’re not a fan of birthdays but you gave me one hell of a gift. Will definitely remember this one for a long time! At least now I know what you actually think of me. Now none of us has to pretend anything.”

Alec abruptly turned to leave. Magnus stood unblinking. He was in shock.

 

But Alec dragged back again, to face Magnus. He raised his index finger as if he forgot to say something before.

“You know what… I was trying something. I was trying to see if I deserve a chance at it again. I trusted you. I believed my instincts about you. It wasn’t for James. He didn’t tell me anything that day at the café that I wasn’t getting a hint of already. Yes, to be honest, I was starting to have a feeling that to you I mean more than just friends. But all of it only put me in shock. I did love him and it took me time to get over it. In the meantime, I hurt you too. But I at least knew you are better than this. I guess I was wrong about you too. I was right… love isn’t for me. Loving someone and be happy, isn’t in my fate. Maybe I really don’t deserve a chance or even try for it. Maybe it was just an illusion I was chasing. So yeah, thanks for making me see it. And for your information, I could never judge you for loving me. I could never repel you for loving me. You should’ve known how much it means to me. My God knows I was waiting for it. I was waiting to hear it from you. I was waiting to be happy, with you. I was looking forward to it. Though I can’t explain what happened that morning at your house. I guess I didn’t expect you to say it so abruptly… without the context. I thought I’d know what to do when or if you’d say it. I thought I’d be prepared. Obviously, I wasn’t. Actually, I wasn’t even expecting anything, at all. Maybe was just trying to have my friend back. I guess you took me by surprise and I was too shocked to say anything. I needed time to believe whatever happened that day was not my imagination… that someone truly feels like that for me… that you meant it when you said…”

Alec’s voice caught and shook. Magnus just stared at Alec without batting an eyelash. Hell, he was in desperate need of a pause, a moment to breathe and realize that Alec was actually there and said whatever he said. He couldn’t believe his eyes and ears anymore.

“Anyway… I guess now you can move on. You don’t have to keep your feelings in check anymore for me. You don’t have to pretend you want to be friends with me whereas you just want more. I’m not a monster… I’m not a hypocrite that I’d put you through that, make you hide your true feelings just so you could be with me and I could have a friend. You’re free, Magnus. Just never pretend with anyone ever. Don’t sell yourself short. Feelings and words… they mean a lot. Don’t deceive anyone again by denying him, or her, your heart’s true content. We find love in hopeless places, right? Isn’t that one of your favorite song? Anyway, you never know who’s waiting for you, or where. It may be someone who’s right in front of you but you don’t even consider it and keep pretending because you’re scared. Don’t ever do that, to yourself or to anyone else. At least be true to yourself. You might find that others deserve that too.”

 

To say Magnus was stunned would be just an understatement. Magnus was blown out of his mind. He was shaking inside. Alec’s words hit him on his face like a slap. He didn’t think he was deceiving Alec when he thought he was being the tragic hero. How come he never saw Alec reciprocating?

Alec always reciprocated his small little gestures. And Magnus, the mindless weirdo he is, kept on thinking it was just how Alec treats everyone. Alec was in love with James. But he never mistreated Magnus for that. He never led Magnus on. He was always clear about his boundaries. Maybe it was Alec’s friendship but Alec was right. He didn’t deserve to find out like this.

Magnus was angry too. Alec played him. Alec used his vulnerability to make him express his feelings, confess them and then leave. Even at that moment, Alec was using Magnus’s words against him. Instead of talking 6 months ago, when the time was right, Alec gave a dumb excuse of being shocked and frozen and needing time. Maybe Alec was heartbroken then. But he also believed James’s words than trying to talk to Magnus. No, he wasn’t the only one at fault. They both were.

Magnus realized that anger wouldn’t be the solution to their dilemma. They both bickering, venting their anger, picking at words, picking fights with each other wouldn’t help them. One of them had to calm down, be reasonable. And at that moment Alec was not in the mood for being either. So it had to be Magnus if they wanted to salvage their friendship… or whatever it was turning in to be.

“Alec… Wait…”

“We’re done, Magnus. You’re done pretending.”

Alec snapped and started to walk away again.

For a tall guy, Alec was taller than that. His two steps mean Magnus’s three. So when Alec walks angry, means others have to practically run after him. So Magnus ran, after Alec. He’s had too much on the line to lose and he wasn’t ready to lose any of that, especially not Alec.

 

“Alec… Stop…” Magnus pulled on Alec’s hand making him stop.

Magnus was just behind Alec, so close that Alec could feel Magnus’s breath on his neck. His whole body started to tingle at the proximity. His heart was hammering in his chest. He could feel his throat drying as he swallowed heavily. His palms were sweating. Just Magnus being there could invoke so much in Alec; bring out so much that only made Alec more confused about himself.

Alec closed his eyes as he felt tears threatening to spill. He had never been hurt like this before. He felt ashamed for not realizing Magnus’s feelings sooner. He felt guilty for making Magnus pretend with him for so long. He felt ruthless for making Magnus confess his feelings for him when he himself wasn’t sure of his own. He knew it wasn’t exactly all his fault. But still, he couldn’t stop blaming himself for indirectly hurting Magnus so much.

Why is it always so intense between them?

When did he start caring about Magnus so much?

When did he start falling again?

When did Magnus become his “more”?

 

Magnus made him turn by tugging at his elbow. Reluctantly Alec did but didn’t open his eyes. He was afraid Magnus would see his eyes and he wouldn’t be able to escape. He was scared that Magnus wouldn’t like a man who cries in little things like that.

“Alec… Look at me…”

Magnus held onto his shoulder, slowly raising his hands to his neck, holding him firmly.

“Open your eyes, Alec…”

Alec couldn’t unheard Magnus’s beg. He had to open them. And the next moment he was stunned by Magnus’s brown eyes on him, as red as his own, on the verge of spilling.

“I’m sorry,” Magnus whispered slowly.

“I didn’t mean to deceive you. So I’m not gonna lie to you anymore. I do love you. Since the day I saw you for the first time, my orientation day. I had a crush on you at first sight. And working with you in the club, seeing you there, being the man you are, being with you every day, getting to know you bit by bit… I couldn’t stop, Alec. You stole my heart, without me knowing. So when you’re sad, I become sad. When you’re reckless, I worry. When you’re happy, I smile. I don’t know how this happened but I know this happened. I feel for you. And I don’t wanna change it. I was just worried that after James… I wasn’t sure how you’d accept me. Or if you even be ready for this. So I didn’t try. For me seeing you happy was all. And I didn’t want to take advantage of your breakup. It seemed wrong. I didn’t tell you anything because I didn’t wanna come between you and James. But I did… somehow James found out and I’m the reason…”

“No…”

Alec spoke all of a sudden breaking Magnus out of his rant, “No… It wasn’t about you. It was about me. He questioned me. My loyalty… My love for him. And the moment he did that, I knew it was over. You or someone else, he would’ve found excuses to do that anyway. So no, don’t blame yourself. I never did.”

“But… but you were hurt. You didn’t talk…”

“That was a mistake. I wasn’t sure what exactly happened. And I’m sorry for how I treated you. I wish I could just go back to that moment and say something in your defense. You didn’t deserve that. Whatever he did to me… it was between us. He shouldn’t have dragged you in.”

“You didn’t deserve that either, Alec. And it wasn’t between you and him anymore when he started talking to you like that in the café, in front of the whole department. You can’t blame yourself for that.”

 

A long silence stretched between them. It was pretty much established that none of them wanted to talk about it anymore. James wasn’t someone they should be talking about and ruin their moment.

Alec looked away, not knowing what to do.

Magnus stared at Alec, hoping he’d say something to make the situation better.

But the silence only stretched.

 

“So is it still over between us?”

Magnus decided to take the step again. He looked into Alec’s eyes which seemed to be hiding from him. So he took hold of Alec’s neck and made him look at him.

“Are we still over, Alec? Is there nothing that…”

“We aren’t…” Alec sighed closing his eyes once and leaned his forehead on Magnus’s, “Not unless you want to.”

Magnus closed his eyes too as their noses touched, “Never, Alexander…”

Alec hummed.

How did they become so stranger to each other?

Where have their smiles gone?

Why couldn’t they just have what they used to, the uncomplicatedness that they both always cherished?

When did it become so weird between them?

What the fuck just happened?

 

Alec slowly gazed at Magnus.

“Magnus… what are we now then?”

Alec’s innocent question was already burning holes in Magnus’s thoughts. Long before Alec actually said it out loud, Magnus had been thinking about it. They both knew whatever happened between them had most definitely changed things a lot. They can’t turn time and go back to where they were. They can’t ignore it all and be who they were. And most importantly, none of them wanted that. Then what is the definition now then?

“How do you feel about me?”

Alec thought about it for a minute.

What does he feel about Magnus?

What does he want for himself?

What can he ask from Magnus?

What can he give to Magnus?

“I want more.”

It was a simple statement. But Magnus could feel Alec had more to say.

“I want more with you. I’m not yet at the stage where I’ll just say ‘I love you’. Because if I say that now… I wouldn’t mean it… It won’t be from my heart. And I don’t wanna lie to you just so you stay with me. But I know I want you.”

 

Magnus thought for a while too. It wasn’t exactly the “hearts and flowers” he had dreamed of. But it was something. A nagging idea kept on telling him that he would be compromising again with Alec. Maybe he also needed to step back a bit, give himself some time to redefine exactly what he wants. Maybe time would bring them to a place where they both could be happy with whatever they’d have with each other.

“So… then… can we meet… in the middle?”

Magnus looked at Alec to see the frown.

“You know… you take a step, I take a step and we both wait and see where the next step is… do this together… help each other to understand… give ourselves a chance to happiness… step back for a minute… let’s not get aggressive… let’s not lose our mind because we both have different ideas about this… let’s meet in the middle… you pull me close… I pull you close… and we see where life takes us…”

Magnus wasn’t sure how much he was able to explain. He couldn’t even understand himself what he said. But he hoped Alec did.

“Sounds like a good idea…”

“We are not doing it wrong again, right?”

“If that’s what you’re gonna always think then it’ll never feel right. We are humans Magnus. We will anyway make mistakes. But what we can do is, care for each other and apologize from the heart when we do screw up. So yeah, let’s meet in the middle.”

 

Magnus just nodded. And promised that he’d give himself a chance too - a chance where he wouldn’t doubt Alec or their relationship, whatever that is between them. He’d have faith in Alec and their relationship. He’d trust them to be true to each other. And he’d meet Alec in the middle. It’d be good.

Alec just wrapped his arms around Magnus, folding him in a warm, lingering hug. Magnus just savored the moment. He had to. They had to. Not everybody has a great beginning. But they can at least have a new beginning. For now on, they’d be happy with that because not everybody gets chances like that either. They’ve got that “second chance”. They promised to make the best out of it. They’d be with each other. And they’d meet in the middle.

 

**_The End_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Safety note - Driving after drinking/with alcohol in the system is injurious to health. Please be careful and safe to yourself and to others. Always use protective gears while riding two-wheelers. Speeding should also be avoided.
> 
> There are some editing changes here than the posts on Instagram as the last and final editing was done before posting the story here.  
> Please leave comments and kudos if you want to. They are very much appreciated.  
> The tag for this story on Instagram is - #InTheMiddleFF


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